TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for ancient lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely out of put. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another location in which American Gentlemen can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: present All people a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should cease employing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the challenge, replied, "You realize, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from space, a element staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after Trump Tower Damascus discovering the setting up's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not just unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Features


Perhaps the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting focus from international traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level can even consist of:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD can have transform-down service."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Ideas within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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